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Bruised Fruit
I had the oddest breakfast dining experience while on vacation in Monterey. Well I actually didn't get to eat at this place, though I tried to, twice. Because I think I might write an email to...
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More Then You Ever Wanted to Know
Sooo.. the dubious honor of responding to a "tell me about yourself" survey has been lobbed in my direction. Since it is Fuck My Table doing the lobbing I will gratefully accept and try to make this as...
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From the Owner's Side and Why Yelp Sucks
pic: lovemeow.com I received a sweet email back from the owner of The Disheveled Pluot. I was fairly civil in my descriptions, and thorough; I may have said that a small contingent of chimps could...
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"Special"
I like giving specials to tables. Of course, by the 20th iteration of these babies, I'm a bit glazed over, glancing forlornly out the window at the darkened street, the sound of my voice in my...
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Boob Juice
I give up. They‒my chardonnay contingent‒have killed the Ramey. Chardonnay rules our bar. Particularly our high-end pour, always a big-ass chardonnay, served in a big-ass glass. Gallons of the...
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Please Don't Throw a Diaper at My Head
I find my 60+ set fascinating. Many of these people are my best customers: relaxed, talkative, happy to be waited on; They are particular but predictably so. And then... well, some of them seem to have...
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The Silent Treatment
Sometimes customers like to make the simplest things difficult. "Hellooo," I begin, attempting to exude warmth, friendliness. "How are you this evening?" The seated couple stares back...
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Some genuinely entertaining search terms have been appearing in my blog's Google Analytics of late. For the uninitiated, this program tracks a website's traffic stats, including whatever random stuff...
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Boss Man vs. The Bloodsuckers
The deadline to finish our restaurant's new room was in two days. Or at least it needed to done enough that a social gathering could take place without anyone stepping on a stray nail. I poked my...
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The Crack in the Pasta
Our kitchendoes use addictive substances of a dubious nature in our pastas. As Anthony Bourdain once famously said, the secret to ridiculously tasty restaurant food is copious amounts of shallots...
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The Tale of Two Hosts
The tiniest, little shred of a thing I miss about working at corporate chain spot "Peppers"‒other than my two hangover food favorites, the boneless buffalo wings and off-menu chicken fried chicken...
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Menu Reading for Dummies
A quick guide from your not-so-helpful server Avoiding problems is my number one priority. In no way do I enjoy seeing a customer's hand suddenly thrust in the air, their behind hovering over...
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Vote?
I didn't think this election would matter much to me, as I've become disenfranchised by our two-party system. Blah, blah, corporate interests A vs. corporate interests B, now choose the lesser of...
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A Beautiful Myth
"Oh Natasha," breathes a male customer wistfully from time to time. "Do you remember her?" With a twinkle in their eye, the old geezerwill reminisce about how years ago, our bar was ruled by...
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An Unexpected Defense of a Big D
I once had a boss whose personality was so over-the-top he seemed destined for Food Network stardom. He was a caricature of a Nor-Cal bro: Spiky bleach-blond hair, goatee, Dickies attire, gruff...
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Hope at the Host Stand, Plus More Reasons to Hate Yelp
A glimmer of hope has appeared in the trouble surrounding the host stand of late.This week, for a change, the boss entrusted hosting duties to his teenaged kids. They calmly took all the business...
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True American Horror Story
Yesterday's events have waylaid my usual tales of restaurant mayhem. I'll be back soon with your regularly scheduled programming. I was a happy kid. The misfit business would come later, but during...
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Ghosts of Kitchens Past
We are rapidly approaching the point of declaring our restaurant a disaster zone‒ At lunch, booze-fueled Christmas parties wreak havoc on eardrums, the bartenders (Another bloody mary?? I just...
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March of the Pens
The Elves Get Stabby The six-pack of wine rested on the mats at my feet. This half-sized wine case, so petite and easy to lift, had become a hurdle. It was over-zealously taped together, as though...
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Kid Karma
One hundred dollars- I spend my life chasing these crisp, clean, underused measures of success, yet so many of my customers throw these bills around like they are nothing. For every person who...
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